I hate to argue, really I do.

But the one tonight really couldn't be avoided. Tonight I'm tired. I am angry and I am so very, very weary. I usually bend over backward to keep the ship on an even keel. For some reason. this battle seemed important enough to hash out. Now I am having second thoughts.

Dani turned 17 yesterday. I saw her just long enough for me to wish her a happy birthday and whoosh, she was out the door and off with friends--again. I am glad she has a social life, I am! I just wish she had MORE than a social life, too. Like the life where she remembers to ASK mom if she can go somewhere (not just inform me she's heading there) or where she does what I ask her to do. Like clean the toxic waste dump that's supposedly her bedroom. Like remember that I have EARNED the respect I demand from her. I have damned well EARNED the right to question where she's going, with whom, how long and method of transportation to and from and who will be driving, not to mention the possibility of drugs or alcohol (I have seen the kids she hangs with--Dani might be clean, but her friends are NOT). It isn't that I don't trust HER! I do! I know her well enough to know how she responds to things like peer pressure or coercion. Not a darn thing on this planet happens to Dani without her consent and assisstance! Not anymore, not ever again.

Now her friends are another ball of wax! I don't trust any one of them further than I could pick them up and throw them. Not one of them. The only one I DO trust--is up the eastern seaboard from us. (Josh, you just HAD to go to A-school in CT, didn't you?!) The rest I know do drugs in one form or another. I am 37 years old and I have been called many things in my lifetime--stupid and naive are not amongst them. ~shakes my head~ Why can't they seem to keep in mind I have 2 brothers that are/were addicts-alcoholics? I know Dani has told them this. Do they think I am not going to recognize the signs of the "fucked up"? Please. ~eye roll~ I have a freaking RADAR on that better than anything the military has and ore escape routes planned in advance to anyplace I enter, just on the outside chance. I bloody well KNOW when someone's "under the influence" and I would prefer that person NOT be one to whom I am related, or have given birth to.

And I don't know how Josh managed to find my kiddo in the line of errrr...let's call them "young people" that she hangs out with, I am just happy he did. Even through her fits and foibles, he's still there for her. It just amazes me. I don't know whether to thank hm--or hug him in sympathy. He lives through her mood swings just as I do. Conductor? Can we stop the ride, soon? Someone's gonna hurl---

Tonight she came home and we argued. We don't often argue, Dani and I--but neither of us hold punches when we do--at least noit verbally. That kid fights mean and I am still wounded, but I know I went easy on it. I have to choose my battles, if i care to win the war. (That being raising her into a responsibile part of the world)

I want to cry. She has never been quite so vicious in her attacks before--even when mama died and we had to move--I just don't know--I know she's upset because I was angry about the cell--that's MY cell phone, I would like to see it occasionally, too and not connected to her ear, thanks-- and not least about her hanging around with "Nathan" ~growls, spits and fights the urge of my hands to fist~ again. This is the sorry ~expletive delted~ that used to beat on my little girl..and yes, I mean beat--with his fists, his feet or anything else he could get hold of. She dropped him flat--apparently she learned that lesson quick and just left --I found out afterward or, I guarantee that Nathan and I *would* have had a "talk"--as it is, he had a nice discussion with the sheriff I called, when I reported the assaults on my child. Little ~expletive deleted~ was lucky--HE was under 16 and there wasn't much they could do to him, since Dani was OVER 16 (how lucky they share a birthday, eh? one year apart)

In Dani's eyes, this boy that bullied her verbally and emotionally along with his new "girlfriend", (and all their friends) all year long (and despite repeated trips by me to the school and disccusions with the AP), following last year's hair raising slide for Dani into Baker Act, ICU and the Crisis Center is "water under the bridge" and she doesn't understand why I am angry that she spent ANY time with him, completely discounting the fact that his mother was also present and had invited her personally. She can spend tiem with his mother, GREAT! Fine!! Dandy! Just do it when he isn't there--if he's suddenly being nice, there's a REASON for it--and not generally one she's gonna like. Remember, he just got out of juvie! For child abuse on his little brother. My GOD, Dani! What were you THINKING?! I just don't get it.

God? Was I ever that young? I don't think so. I may have been chronologically her age once, but I have never been that young. Different life experiences. I grew up quick. I would have thought the same for her--in so many ways she's 17 going on 40--other times 17 going on 7.

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I quit smoking, so I am probably a bit more sensitive than I would be otherwise (but I am not buying that leg tugger) Maybe it's the fact that I am PMSing--nope, not really buying that one, either--too late. Nah..gee, could it be simply the love of her mom wanting her SAFE and the ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that the "kids" she chooses to hang around cn't keep her that way. Or, I could be, in Dani's words, "an inconsiderate, lazy, old bitch" I think she's happy I didn't slap her. My hand itched--but I didn't. I merely turned away from her and very quietly asked her to remove herself from my presence and not to speak to me again tonight. She didn't argue, she disappeared.

Tonight, I wanna cry. She's growing up so fast and yet--sh';e so daggone YOUNG, too! I have so many things running through my head, right now and not a single one of them makes a hell of a lot of sense. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be a loooooooong night. Anyone know how to knock an insomniac out, barring blunt objects? Well, I have the new Laurell K Hamilton book, Micah--that might make it through til dawn, but I am not taking bets--it's awfully thin.

-Miki

Totaled

Now that I have had a couple of days to digest the panic, ease the ache in my belly and swallow my heart again, I can finlly write about this.

I have a very good friend here in Florida, Starla. We met in Toronto in 2000--she lived there at the time and we hit it off really well, even though she was the friend of my hotel room mate. Well, then I find she's met a friend of mine, John (aka TDM) and they are getting very serious. I am just as happy as I can be! Anyway, cut a long story short, she got a fiancee Visa to the US and moved down here to Florida to be with John after doing the back and forth thing for nearly a year. They were married a few months later. She brought along her two children, Jess and Derek. I adore these kids--like they were my own. Especially since we all hooked up again when *I* moved to Florida and discovered they are only a half hour drive away! Our kids spend time together (despite the disgust of Dani and Derek because Starla and I won't let them date--hey, we are really the only friends we each have down here--we'd like to STAY that way, thankyoueversomuch!)

So, Dani and I were at their home a few days ago. Starla needed a notarized statement for INS from me stating that she and John are still living together, that they are married, yadda, yadda--so they can get their unrestricted green cards or whatever it is. (They need these before they can apply for Citizenship) Anyway, We do this and then we're BBQing steaks for supper, Starla and I are in the kitchen (where else would we be?) making her homemade mac and cheese (manna from heaven) and steaming some veggies that I know her kids won't eat ~chuckle~ and Dani will devour. I am stirring cheese sauce and we're yakking as only women can waiting for her daughter to come home from work.

The phone rings--Starla answers and hears "I'm okay mom, I'm not hurt" *I* hear "you've been in an accident, how bad is it?!" I am now shamelessly eavesdropping and leaning over the phone at her ear, one arm around Starla as she starts to shake, ignoring my own ice cold panic, and listen to Jess cry on the other end of the phone and not making a lot of sense. The police officer comes on the line (Thank God for phones you can hear across a room) "Ma'am the car is totaled she is lucky to be alive" He states and we try not to cry as Starla and I hear Him say this. "She was wearing her seat belt, seems she over corrected and hit the shoulder, was enough to cause her to lose control. She rolled it...twice." (apparently, contrary to popular opinion, cops ARE around when you need them--this one was 2 cars back and saw the entire thing)

I have now released my friend into the arms of her husband and, what do I do? Ever-practical me turns back to the stove and continues stirring cheese sauce and checking to see if the macaroni is "al Dente" yet and start to put it together . After all, Dani and Derek still need to eat, right? They are both standing here behind me, also eavesdropping as we hear that Jess' boyfriend is coming to get her--(the paramedics have looked her over, she's unharmed and the ambulance is basically ignoring her --different people here, paramedics and ambulance, I gather) since they left.

Derek, who gets up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for school (another thing I hate about the school system here, busses before dawn) and had come home from school and promptly flopped onto his bed and fell asleep. He heard the words "accident" and "Jess" and suddenly appeared behind me--from a dead sleep. This is a 16 year old boy.

Okay, I'm functioning (I'll get my turn later--right now I have to function), Starla is cryng on John, the phone is hung up and we're waiting for the phone to ring again (this is when we find out the paramedics have checked her over--Ryan called--after 15 gruelling minutes) so we are getting supper ready to put on the table. Damn, but I need a cigarette! Okay, I have until the weekend to smoke and then I am quitting--I head out the door, since I refuse to smoke in their home. It's my filthy habit, not theirs. Starla and John join me outside, since he needs to check the steaks anyway and Starla, I think just doesn't want to get too far away from him. Besides, we can see the laneway from there and any vehicles coming down it.

Dani and Derek have retreated back to Derek's room and the TV in there, most likely to talk and console each other, though neither has said anything. His mom is falling apart, except when she's speaking with Jess or Ryan on the cell (One does NOT cry or show any trace of fear to their children in times of crisis) and Dani's mom is just going about getting supper ready, put the mac and cheese into the oven and heads outside. Practical to a fault, I have been called. Yeah, I wish.

Anyway, we put supper on the table, call the first two kids to make plates, they'll eat in the living room, tonight. John, Starla and I seat ourselves at the dining room table and make a pretense of eating while we wait for Ryan to bring Jess home and the tow truck following them. I am finding drinks and giving John His Pepsi and Starla's water, my own water, then we hear Ryan's truck and we're up and gone like we've just been greased out the front door.

There's not a cut on her! She's fine, just sore and a bit whip-lashy (is that even a word?) and falls into mum's arms, sobbing, as Ryan and John stand around like men and just rub their women's backs. I wait my turn, patiently and just curl her into my arms and whisper into her ear as i crush her against me "baby, please don't ever scare me like that again" and swallow back tears I know she doesn't need to see and just hold on to this precious woman-child of 19 who means so much to me.

Seatbelts really do save lives, people! This is why I harp on them. If you ride in my vehicle, you wear a seatbelt and I don't care where you happen to be sitting or who you think you are! End of discussion. I have, apparently, gotten that locked into my kids' brains because I hear them telling their friends to buckle up when they ride with them, too. I think Dani was 10 before she realized the engine on my car really did start, even if the seatbelts weren't fastened, just because I *never* start my car until and unless everyone is belted in. Not everyone is as lucky as Jessica and has an angel sitting on their shoulder telling them *just* when to duck down!

That picture is AFTER the hood was pried up, the battery removed (since it was leaking--didn't want it to explode) and looks better than it did when it slid off the flatbed towtruck it arrived on. What you CAN'T see is the left front tire that is off the wheel in mangled pieces, the axle gone, the holes where the rods (or something) came through the hood, the impression of the heads in said hood or just how low the roof on that car really is crumpled down.

God help me--Dani wants to drive and Michael is right behind her!

I collapsed after we drove home that night. I kissed my kids, they went to bed and I very quietly shattered into a million pieces all by myself. Dear God--what if?

-Miki

Kids just don't understand...

Okay, here we are on thursday and, after a nearly sleepless night of tossing, turning, late night TV and finally giving up and returning to the 'puter for some aimless websurfing, since no one else seemed to be online to yak with, (God, I hate insomnia, truly I do) I actually had a really good day.

Spent some time over at Terri's site, and avidly devoured the new chapters she had for me. (Have I mentioned that I am a test reader/editor?) I am absolutely LOVING the new novel, I just wish Ms. Wordsmith could write faster ~chuckle~ greedy me--wanting more already. She tells me this one may actually come out in hardcover. ~happy Snoopy dance~ I don't care how it comes out. I will have it in one fashion or another, regardless.

I had control of the TV in the house today, also! ~yay me~ I actually got to listen to XM radio (Yes, I have directv) and dance around to some really good 40s music. ~ah, bliss~ No loud, pounding ICP or whatever the heck it is that Dani's been listening to lately at decibels that have the neighborhood dogs cringing and poor Melinko (our cat) looking for a hiding place.

No, today I listened to Bing and Rosie and Glenn (yay! they played "In the Mood", my favorite piece!), Ole Blue eyes, Duke--and just smiled when she came out and couldn't find the remote control. ~evil grin~ I hid it in my desk and just danced around her, singing at the top of *my* lungs for a change! And no screaming, groaning or other words that I cannot seem to make out because they're so masked by the guitar, drum or bass that it's completely distorted.

I still have to laugh when she asked how she was supposed to change the channel without the remote. I sat here with my mouth open (catchng flies, Miki?) and asked her why she would even consider it, when obviously *I* was listening to something and further, began the "When I was a kid, we actually had to GET UP and turn the channel ON the TV!" lecture. I am relatively certain she has that one numbered and filed and completely toned me out. She gave me that disgusted 17 year old "mom has NO clue" sigh and retreated to the 2nd bedroom and the smaller set in there--only to have me promptly shout to "turn that stuff *down*! I cannot hear the TV out here!" which earned me another disgust filled snort--but the noise level dropped considerably.

Good grief, kids today! I was married with two kids before I even *HAD* a TV with a remote control!! Now, I *did* have a VCR with one--a gal has to have priorities, right? I figured the TV worked, so what was the point in shelling out for another, just because it came with bells and whistles? I was able to connect the VCR to it. I had movies, I was a happy camper! I think Dani turned 3 when my TV finally gave up the ghost, although I still believe that was John in a fit of "I want the new toy" and beat my poor set up until it gave its last whimper and died, since it had worked JUST fine when I left that morning. ~things that make you go Hmmmm~ Funny how it died on a saturday--just following payday-- and I had taken the kids to see their gramma. Dani still swears she remembers that old set.

I got the house clean, made Dani clean the litterbox (her cat, she gets the honors--I don't do litter) and even had supper thought out and ready to cook before the other two got home from school.

God, School--I will never understand the school system here! They had Spring Break three weeks ago--no school for a whole week. Okay, I understand that no problemo. Then, care to explain to me just WHY they have no school tomorrow or monday--for Easter? Doesn't that violate the whole "Church/State" thing? Isn't that *why* we now call it "Spring Break" as opposed to "Easter Break"? ~confused look~ Then again, not much in the school system here makes a heck of a lot of sense--don't even get me STARTED on the whole FCAT thing, my soapbox would break under the strain.

It was a beautiful day here, also! Nice and sunny, low humidity and this simply marvelous breeze! It blew nicely around my monitor as I sat here job hunting. ~frumps~ I really loathe job hunting. I love my job, I just hate trying to find a new one. I am still mad as a wet hen that my job was "outsourced" to India. I don't begrude them jobs, I don't. However, I work in Customer Service. That requires a good understanding of the English language and the abilty to reply in understandable terms, especially when interacting with customers, vendors, store staff, regional managers, etc. which I did daily as an escalation rep. I was the person that calmed the ticked off folk down and worked toward a resolution or compromise. I somehow doubt that's going to work really well, when the first words I hear after I state my company, job title and name are usually "Oh thank God, you speak English!" I wish them luck, I truly do.

I have been in a rather "down period" here lately and I am not liking this one little bit! I know a lot of it is the loss of my job and then falling sick on top of that, but good grief and stuff! At least I don't have to listen to my brother telling me what I 'have' to do, constantly! As if I weren't aware of the fact that I need a new job? ~well duh~ He has his own fish to fry and his girlfriend and her kids to handle. Trish is a gem!! She's keeping him away from me.~chuckle~ I adore that lady! She's been through hell, but I think some time with Pat (preferably a LOT of time ~crossing my fingers that he doesn't mess this one up and lose the best thing that's ever happened to him) will help. She's already *so* much more confident than she was when they met and Miss Britt is smiling and happy and laughing again. Not the quiet, subdued child we saw every time she had to go back home. (Lord, what I wouldn't give to erase the shadows from that kid's eyes--10 minutes in the back 40 with a baseball bat and her ~cough~ father would go a long way to make *me* feel better)

Okay, I'm rambling again and off onto other tangents. Must be the fact that I can hear ICP in the background again. ~groan~ Why can't the girls understand that I don't CARE "Whose goin' chicken hunting"? What about some Linkin Park--I could handle that ~nods~ or even Metallica, although it's a bit late in the evening for them, if they absolutely MUST listen to pounding music at 11pm? I suppose I should be grateful the volume is down in deference to the hour? Mike is long since asleep and his country music is playing just loud enough for it to entertain himself--not the rest of the neighborhood. Hey, I think I hear Leann Womack!! i *love* her voice!

Yep, "Where would you be" one of my favorites--betcha that's why I even heard it in the first place. Gonna go open his door and listen, I think. Wait--that may not be a good idea--Dani did that earlier this week. Michael was NOT sleeping ~chokes out a laugh~ But he should have locked the door--and Dani learned a valuable lesson in "why we knock on ALL closed doors prior to entering" ~is howling all over again~ i hurt--I honestly don't know who to feel sorrier for--Mike or Dani-- He was rudely kicked out of his "happy place" for at least several days, if my knowledge of that is accurate and she saw more of her brother's parts than she had any wish to. Then calmly re-closed the door, walked down the hall and asked me if we had any bleach--so she could scrub out her eyes. THEN the brat had the audacity to look me in the eye and tell me her brother ALSO has a hairy butt!! Apparently this was dicovered because he just rolled over onto his belly, since the sheets were apparently..errrm..never mind ~howling in laughter again~ I may have to strangle that girl and Mike has been a bear with a sore paw for the past few days and not a civil word to anyone. I guess mom laughing hysterically wasn't something he wanted to hear after what happened. I am cutting him some slack for the rude behavior. I think he's earned it.

-Miki

Uh-oh, Miki's bloggin'!

Okay, wow. I can't believe I am doing this, but here I am, opening a friggin' blog. I suppose it was time. Heaven knows I have tried just about everything else out there in cyberspace, so why not?

I have finally updated my webpage! Only 4 years have passed since the last update. ~look of chagrin~ Again, life has been busy and I had other things to do than fight my way through HTML. I have completely forgotten the dhtml I had learned. ~sad sigh~

I have finally linked my "family" page to my homepage and updated all the info there and had to laugh! When i did the "preview" on it, the picture that greeted me there was my youngest daughter, Stephanie--at age FIVE!! Err, did I mention she's now TWELVE? I guess I haven't done anything to that page in quite some time, huh?

Then again, the last thing I want to do is possibly open them up to trouble, etc, especially back then when security wasn't as "safe"(and I use that term loosely) as it is now. Add to the fact that they all seem to have "Myspace" pages, I figured what's one more?

Okay, I am going to let this be, for now. I know my mind will be wandering later and I should have enough thoughts to actually post something worthwhile. God knows I go through enough "silent conversations" when I am in insomnia mode, so at least this will give me something to do with them.
A'bientot!

-Miki