It's been a strange week

It's been a really strange week. Not strange in the usual way--if there *is* a usual way, but strange for me. I have been up and down, moodwise--moody and depressed, feeling unloved--yeah, stupid stuff, i agree--but then again--i have also been really upbeat and cheerful--smiling all the time. as i said--strange week. Doesn't make sense, even as i write that.
What kills me--my son noticed. Asked me "what's wrong, mom? you're sad" and I didn't have an answer for him, really. I just smiled my biggest smile and hugged him and told him "i don't know where you got that idea from, son. I'm fine, punkin-butt" That worked--it always does. "Punkin-butt" is the fix all-cure all. From anger, to disappointment to whatever else. I call him that when alls forgiven, i am not angry or whatever--my pet name for my beloved son. He just hugged me back and went back to his music and the X-box, content that alls well in his world again and mom's just fine. ~chuckles~ He hates that moniker--but it's better than "Bubba-butt" which he knows i use when i have a bone to pick with him or am dripping sarcasm. Strange the things we call our children, ya know? He's nearly 18, now and not really a child.

Anyway, i was saying the week has been strange, wasn't i? Yes. the systems at work continue to be up and down. They were down again, today for about an hour and a half, then adding insult to that injury, I also had a meeting at which i had to do a "presentation" on "Why we need to delete cookies and dump temp files" yeah..dump your cache, people--it makes the computer run better. Well NO KIDDING?! It amazes me how many people don't realize that, also spyware scans and defrags. Good Lord. ~sigh~ Laurie knows i hate presenting anything, but she always chooses me for these, just because i did tech support years ago. Hello!! that was for A-O-Hell where 99% of users are idiots and the other 1% we rarely hear from because they KNOW what they're doing--and yet are still strange enough to continue using them. ~shrug~ I have no leg to stand on. I still have an AOL account, myself. Sue me, i like their email system and well.they are good for some things, just please don't ask me what they are--i wouldn't be able to answer offhand without deep thought.

Anyway, i am in a wonderful mood, can't ya tell? Frustrated and edgy--i feel like there's a storm coming and i am not sure from which direction. I have my back to the wall again and am glancing all over the place. I hate that feeling--but learned a LONG time ago to listen to it. It has saved my life more than once, this internal radar of mine. Tells me when to run, when to hide--and when to stand my ground and fight. This feels like a run and hide. Dammit all anyway. I am far too good at that. ~wry laugh~ I have been compared to, of all things, water. Just when you think you have a grip on it, it slips through your hands. I disagree, but hey--I am not responsible for another's perception or point of view..only my own.

I have also had "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan stuck in my darn head all day--now, i love the song, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't have good connotations for me, most of the time. Especially given my mood swings of late. However, that said--Better than it was yesterday though. Nothing i did could get "Moondance" (Michael Buble) out of my head--as if that weren't bad enough, it was just the one line of the chorus. i LOVE that song--but--i really REALLY don't want to hear it again, anytime soon.

I also noticed my ankles are swelling up again. ~sigh~ That doesn't usually bode well for me--it's a precursor to a frigging flare, so i am also watching everything with an eagle eye. I still haven't quite gotten over the last one and i am really not looking forward to dealing with it--not again. Salt is out of my diet for the foreseeable future as i pray its just retention ~deliberately ignores the fact that it's the wrong time of the month for that to happen~ Hope springs eternal. But--it may also explain the sudden onser of really nasty insomnia and the carb cravings that are driving me batshit.

Have you ever been in so much pain that you actually pray to die? I fervently hope you never experience that. If you have, then you have my deepest sympathy and understanding. Keep on, keeping on. Now, before any worried looks come my way--chill out. what i may pray for and what i actually do are two totally different things. Believe me, having tried that three times and i am still alive and kicking--apparently He has some plan for me. I just have to wait and see what it is. Sometimes God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers. Garth is right about that. But--sometimes--just sometimes--nevermnd. I refuse to get any more maudlin than i already am. I am determined to make myself feel better. I see hand and footholds and i am not adverse to cheating and using elbows and knees, either to crawl outta the mire. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have nothing to feel sorry for--trust me, I am mobile, upright and moving under my own power. There are FAR worse things out there--i have met many of them and lived to stuff the tale in a deep trunk in the dark room in the back of my mind.

It's friday--another week ended and dammit, it's gonna be a GOOD weekend. I am determined, have a stubborn streak a mile wide and will not accept anything less from myself. Taking punkin-butt to his football game tonight, so I will have some relative quiet for a few hours, at least. Then tomorrow i need to hem his uniform pants for ROTC, put a button back on his shirt and make sure everything is ready for him. Least he's bulked up a bit since the last time i saw him in uniform ~chuckles~ and his posture is better as he gets used to his height.

Anyway--scattered thoughts--yep, they're all over the doggone place, aren't they? I think i'm gonna end this now. I have spewed enough.

A 'bientot!

-Miki