I hate to argue, really I do.

But the one tonight really couldn't be avoided. Tonight I'm tired. I am angry and I am so very, very weary. I usually bend over backward to keep the ship on an even keel. For some reason. this battle seemed important enough to hash out. Now I am having second thoughts.

Dani turned 17 yesterday. I saw her just long enough for me to wish her a happy birthday and whoosh, she was out the door and off with friends--again. I am glad she has a social life, I am! I just wish she had MORE than a social life, too. Like the life where she remembers to ASK mom if she can go somewhere (not just inform me she's heading there) or where she does what I ask her to do. Like clean the toxic waste dump that's supposedly her bedroom. Like remember that I have EARNED the respect I demand from her. I have damned well EARNED the right to question where she's going, with whom, how long and method of transportation to and from and who will be driving, not to mention the possibility of drugs or alcohol (I have seen the kids she hangs with--Dani might be clean, but her friends are NOT). It isn't that I don't trust HER! I do! I know her well enough to know how she responds to things like peer pressure or coercion. Not a darn thing on this planet happens to Dani without her consent and assisstance! Not anymore, not ever again.

Now her friends are another ball of wax! I don't trust any one of them further than I could pick them up and throw them. Not one of them. The only one I DO trust--is up the eastern seaboard from us. (Josh, you just HAD to go to A-school in CT, didn't you?!) The rest I know do drugs in one form or another. I am 37 years old and I have been called many things in my lifetime--stupid and naive are not amongst them. ~shakes my head~ Why can't they seem to keep in mind I have 2 brothers that are/were addicts-alcoholics? I know Dani has told them this. Do they think I am not going to recognize the signs of the "fucked up"? Please. ~eye roll~ I have a freaking RADAR on that better than anything the military has and ore escape routes planned in advance to anyplace I enter, just on the outside chance. I bloody well KNOW when someone's "under the influence" and I would prefer that person NOT be one to whom I am related, or have given birth to.

And I don't know how Josh managed to find my kiddo in the line of errrr...let's call them "young people" that she hangs out with, I am just happy he did. Even through her fits and foibles, he's still there for her. It just amazes me. I don't know whether to thank hm--or hug him in sympathy. He lives through her mood swings just as I do. Conductor? Can we stop the ride, soon? Someone's gonna hurl---

Tonight she came home and we argued. We don't often argue, Dani and I--but neither of us hold punches when we do--at least noit verbally. That kid fights mean and I am still wounded, but I know I went easy on it. I have to choose my battles, if i care to win the war. (That being raising her into a responsibile part of the world)

I want to cry. She has never been quite so vicious in her attacks before--even when mama died and we had to move--I just don't know--I know she's upset because I was angry about the cell--that's MY cell phone, I would like to see it occasionally, too and not connected to her ear, thanks-- and not least about her hanging around with "Nathan" ~growls, spits and fights the urge of my hands to fist~ again. This is the sorry ~expletive delted~ that used to beat on my little girl..and yes, I mean beat--with his fists, his feet or anything else he could get hold of. She dropped him flat--apparently she learned that lesson quick and just left --I found out afterward or, I guarantee that Nathan and I *would* have had a "talk"--as it is, he had a nice discussion with the sheriff I called, when I reported the assaults on my child. Little ~expletive deleted~ was lucky--HE was under 16 and there wasn't much they could do to him, since Dani was OVER 16 (how lucky they share a birthday, eh? one year apart)

In Dani's eyes, this boy that bullied her verbally and emotionally along with his new "girlfriend", (and all their friends) all year long (and despite repeated trips by me to the school and disccusions with the AP), following last year's hair raising slide for Dani into Baker Act, ICU and the Crisis Center is "water under the bridge" and she doesn't understand why I am angry that she spent ANY time with him, completely discounting the fact that his mother was also present and had invited her personally. She can spend tiem with his mother, GREAT! Fine!! Dandy! Just do it when he isn't there--if he's suddenly being nice, there's a REASON for it--and not generally one she's gonna like. Remember, he just got out of juvie! For child abuse on his little brother. My GOD, Dani! What were you THINKING?! I just don't get it.

God? Was I ever that young? I don't think so. I may have been chronologically her age once, but I have never been that young. Different life experiences. I grew up quick. I would have thought the same for her--in so many ways she's 17 going on 40--other times 17 going on 7.

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I quit smoking, so I am probably a bit more sensitive than I would be otherwise (but I am not buying that leg tugger) Maybe it's the fact that I am PMSing--nope, not really buying that one, either--too late. Nah..gee, could it be simply the love of her mom wanting her SAFE and the ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that the "kids" she chooses to hang around cn't keep her that way. Or, I could be, in Dani's words, "an inconsiderate, lazy, old bitch" I think she's happy I didn't slap her. My hand itched--but I didn't. I merely turned away from her and very quietly asked her to remove herself from my presence and not to speak to me again tonight. She didn't argue, she disappeared.

Tonight, I wanna cry. She's growing up so fast and yet--sh';e so daggone YOUNG, too! I have so many things running through my head, right now and not a single one of them makes a hell of a lot of sense. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be a loooooooong night. Anyone know how to knock an insomniac out, barring blunt objects? Well, I have the new Laurell K Hamilton book, Micah--that might make it through til dawn, but I am not taking bets--it's awfully thin.

-Miki