Totaled

Now that I have had a couple of days to digest the panic, ease the ache in my belly and swallow my heart again, I can finlly write about this.

I have a very good friend here in Florida, Starla. We met in Toronto in 2000--she lived there at the time and we hit it off really well, even though she was the friend of my hotel room mate. Well, then I find she's met a friend of mine, John (aka TDM) and they are getting very serious. I am just as happy as I can be! Anyway, cut a long story short, she got a fiancee Visa to the US and moved down here to Florida to be with John after doing the back and forth thing for nearly a year. They were married a few months later. She brought along her two children, Jess and Derek. I adore these kids--like they were my own. Especially since we all hooked up again when *I* moved to Florida and discovered they are only a half hour drive away! Our kids spend time together (despite the disgust of Dani and Derek because Starla and I won't let them date--hey, we are really the only friends we each have down here--we'd like to STAY that way, thankyoueversomuch!)

So, Dani and I were at their home a few days ago. Starla needed a notarized statement for INS from me stating that she and John are still living together, that they are married, yadda, yadda--so they can get their unrestricted green cards or whatever it is. (They need these before they can apply for Citizenship) Anyway, We do this and then we're BBQing steaks for supper, Starla and I are in the kitchen (where else would we be?) making her homemade mac and cheese (manna from heaven) and steaming some veggies that I know her kids won't eat ~chuckle~ and Dani will devour. I am stirring cheese sauce and we're yakking as only women can waiting for her daughter to come home from work.

The phone rings--Starla answers and hears "I'm okay mom, I'm not hurt" *I* hear "you've been in an accident, how bad is it?!" I am now shamelessly eavesdropping and leaning over the phone at her ear, one arm around Starla as she starts to shake, ignoring my own ice cold panic, and listen to Jess cry on the other end of the phone and not making a lot of sense. The police officer comes on the line (Thank God for phones you can hear across a room) "Ma'am the car is totaled she is lucky to be alive" He states and we try not to cry as Starla and I hear Him say this. "She was wearing her seat belt, seems she over corrected and hit the shoulder, was enough to cause her to lose control. She rolled it...twice." (apparently, contrary to popular opinion, cops ARE around when you need them--this one was 2 cars back and saw the entire thing)

I have now released my friend into the arms of her husband and, what do I do? Ever-practical me turns back to the stove and continues stirring cheese sauce and checking to see if the macaroni is "al Dente" yet and start to put it together . After all, Dani and Derek still need to eat, right? They are both standing here behind me, also eavesdropping as we hear that Jess' boyfriend is coming to get her--(the paramedics have looked her over, she's unharmed and the ambulance is basically ignoring her --different people here, paramedics and ambulance, I gather) since they left.

Derek, who gets up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for school (another thing I hate about the school system here, busses before dawn) and had come home from school and promptly flopped onto his bed and fell asleep. He heard the words "accident" and "Jess" and suddenly appeared behind me--from a dead sleep. This is a 16 year old boy.

Okay, I'm functioning (I'll get my turn later--right now I have to function), Starla is cryng on John, the phone is hung up and we're waiting for the phone to ring again (this is when we find out the paramedics have checked her over--Ryan called--after 15 gruelling minutes) so we are getting supper ready to put on the table. Damn, but I need a cigarette! Okay, I have until the weekend to smoke and then I am quitting--I head out the door, since I refuse to smoke in their home. It's my filthy habit, not theirs. Starla and John join me outside, since he needs to check the steaks anyway and Starla, I think just doesn't want to get too far away from him. Besides, we can see the laneway from there and any vehicles coming down it.

Dani and Derek have retreated back to Derek's room and the TV in there, most likely to talk and console each other, though neither has said anything. His mom is falling apart, except when she's speaking with Jess or Ryan on the cell (One does NOT cry or show any trace of fear to their children in times of crisis) and Dani's mom is just going about getting supper ready, put the mac and cheese into the oven and heads outside. Practical to a fault, I have been called. Yeah, I wish.

Anyway, we put supper on the table, call the first two kids to make plates, they'll eat in the living room, tonight. John, Starla and I seat ourselves at the dining room table and make a pretense of eating while we wait for Ryan to bring Jess home and the tow truck following them. I am finding drinks and giving John His Pepsi and Starla's water, my own water, then we hear Ryan's truck and we're up and gone like we've just been greased out the front door.

There's not a cut on her! She's fine, just sore and a bit whip-lashy (is that even a word?) and falls into mum's arms, sobbing, as Ryan and John stand around like men and just rub their women's backs. I wait my turn, patiently and just curl her into my arms and whisper into her ear as i crush her against me "baby, please don't ever scare me like that again" and swallow back tears I know she doesn't need to see and just hold on to this precious woman-child of 19 who means so much to me.

Seatbelts really do save lives, people! This is why I harp on them. If you ride in my vehicle, you wear a seatbelt and I don't care where you happen to be sitting or who you think you are! End of discussion. I have, apparently, gotten that locked into my kids' brains because I hear them telling their friends to buckle up when they ride with them, too. I think Dani was 10 before she realized the engine on my car really did start, even if the seatbelts weren't fastened, just because I *never* start my car until and unless everyone is belted in. Not everyone is as lucky as Jessica and has an angel sitting on their shoulder telling them *just* when to duck down!

That picture is AFTER the hood was pried up, the battery removed (since it was leaking--didn't want it to explode) and looks better than it did when it slid off the flatbed towtruck it arrived on. What you CAN'T see is the left front tire that is off the wheel in mangled pieces, the axle gone, the holes where the rods (or something) came through the hood, the impression of the heads in said hood or just how low the roof on that car really is crumpled down.

God help me--Dani wants to drive and Michael is right behind her!

I collapsed after we drove home that night. I kissed my kids, they went to bed and I very quietly shattered into a million pieces all by myself. Dear God--what if?

-Miki