Here we go round the Mulberry Bush....

Seems so strange to be writing here after all this time. ~heh~ Another year gone by and here I am. Good things, not-so-good things and yet, here I am. Struggling through this thing we call life.
Where to start? Where to end? Scattered thoughts dancing through my head once more, leading me back here, to the one place it seems I am able to find the words to express myself. The one place that I have nothing and no one save myself to hold accountable. To let the thoughts drift as they may without rhyme or reason, without explanation.

Let's see. Last fall, my son Michael graduated from boot camp. My son, the Marine! Oooh RAH! I am so damned proud of him, I simply have no words. I know what the struggle was like, how terribly difficult it was and yet he prevailed. He made it through and earned his EGA. He's now gone through his school and, thankfully (let me say yet another soft and fervent prayer of thanks to the Higher Power) he is now stationed in Japan and appears to be happy there.

My eldest child, Dani, is back home in Albuquerque. God alone knows what she's doing and He isn't talking. She's surviving, apparently. She doesn't call to talk, really. But she knows I am here if she needs me and that''s usually about the time I get a "hey mama" ~shrug~ A bit sad, yes. I miss her. I apparently am not the best of parents, but for what it may be worth, I love that kid more than life itself. I just have a crappy way of showing it. I'm sorry, baby, for whatever it was that I either did or didn't do, but if you know nothing else, know that I did the best I could.

My baby, Stephie, is the light and love of my life. A true little attitude walking, but she's strong, that girl. Takes life by the horns and never lets them see her cry. I worry a lot about her. She is a lot like I was, but, thankfully, without the same ghosts and demons I have. I'm sure she has her own. Ahhh, teenage angst. May that be the majority of her troubles and let them pass through the annals of time and become memories that make her smile in retrospect. You're only 16, darling. Don't let life grab you too soon. Enjoy what time you have left as a kid to the fullest.

I have a special someone, the one person that I can bare my heart to, talk to about any and everything. He's having a rough patch now, too. Even knowing that no one reads this blog, I always hesitate to name names. He knows who he is, those close to us know who he is. For me, that is enough. Think what you will of our relationship. It's ours and you are not part of our dynamic. We know precisely the boundaries and limitations we have to abide by and we muddle through quite well, for the most part.

Still, here I am again, in this stupid blog. Why does it seem that the one thing I did NOT want to turn this into, is exactly what it has become? The place I come when I am maudlin, feeling alone and lonely, even when surrounded by people? Yeah, Miki's having a down time. I guess I should feel relieved by the fact that they come so infrequently and usually always around the time I am heading into a truly nasty flare. I am finding that I am losing interest in things I enjoy again, losing sleep again, forgetting to eat or eating too much. ~shrug~ Just another day in the life. The demons haunting my mind won't shut up again, they nag and they whisper, always letting me know they are there so I dare not let down my guard. Kick the trunk, wrap the chains tighter and hope for better tomorrow.

I'd talk to my special someone, but, ~points above~ He's having issues of his own right now, and, although I know he would want me to bring them to him, I simply can't make myself add to his load. I know he loves me. I know he is always here for me. Without doubt or hesitation, I know this as fact. I can pick up the phone right this second and he would be there. To listen, to hold me, to give me a swift kick in the ass. Just to let me know that he cares. simple, right?

I wish

When I have down periods, they go dangerously down. I withdraw and I shut people out. I stop talking, unless I know I can be the cheerful, bubbly and loving person I usually am. This is what is expected of me, therefore that is what people get. Even those that don't buy my party line of "I'm just tired" many times accept it and don't press. Sometimes....this is a good thing. Other times, call me contradictory, I want them to press, I want them to ask how I am *really* doing. Trouble is no one, save me, knows the difference.

Now before anyone gets too awfully worried, please sit back, pop a beer or whatever else you're drinking,and relax. I am not, let me repeat, I am NOT suicidal. Just depressed. I might think about the world without me in it, but I still have a child at home to raise and well, frankly, since I am still breathing over 40 years, now, apparently there's a plan for me. Sadistic motherfucker. I wish I knew what that plan was, so I could get it done. So, ideations aside, I'm fine. Just going through a little down time. This too, shall pass.

Now, if only I could convince the freakign neighbors that the fourth of July is now over and they can STOP lighting their GD fireworks, life might be a bit easier. Got to love it, right?

later, gator

-Miki