It's been a strange week

It's been a really strange week. Not strange in the usual way--if there *is* a usual way, but strange for me. I have been up and down, moodwise--moody and depressed, feeling unloved--yeah, stupid stuff, i agree--but then again--i have also been really upbeat and cheerful--smiling all the time. as i said--strange week. Doesn't make sense, even as i write that.
What kills me--my son noticed. Asked me "what's wrong, mom? you're sad" and I didn't have an answer for him, really. I just smiled my biggest smile and hugged him and told him "i don't know where you got that idea from, son. I'm fine, punkin-butt" That worked--it always does. "Punkin-butt" is the fix all-cure all. From anger, to disappointment to whatever else. I call him that when alls forgiven, i am not angry or whatever--my pet name for my beloved son. He just hugged me back and went back to his music and the X-box, content that alls well in his world again and mom's just fine. ~chuckles~ He hates that moniker--but it's better than "Bubba-butt" which he knows i use when i have a bone to pick with him or am dripping sarcasm. Strange the things we call our children, ya know? He's nearly 18, now and not really a child.

Anyway, i was saying the week has been strange, wasn't i? Yes. the systems at work continue to be up and down. They were down again, today for about an hour and a half, then adding insult to that injury, I also had a meeting at which i had to do a "presentation" on "Why we need to delete cookies and dump temp files" yeah..dump your cache, people--it makes the computer run better. Well NO KIDDING?! It amazes me how many people don't realize that, also spyware scans and defrags. Good Lord. ~sigh~ Laurie knows i hate presenting anything, but she always chooses me for these, just because i did tech support years ago. Hello!! that was for A-O-Hell where 99% of users are idiots and the other 1% we rarely hear from because they KNOW what they're doing--and yet are still strange enough to continue using them. ~shrug~ I have no leg to stand on. I still have an AOL account, myself. Sue me, i like their email system and well.they are good for some things, just please don't ask me what they are--i wouldn't be able to answer offhand without deep thought.

Anyway, i am in a wonderful mood, can't ya tell? Frustrated and edgy--i feel like there's a storm coming and i am not sure from which direction. I have my back to the wall again and am glancing all over the place. I hate that feeling--but learned a LONG time ago to listen to it. It has saved my life more than once, this internal radar of mine. Tells me when to run, when to hide--and when to stand my ground and fight. This feels like a run and hide. Dammit all anyway. I am far too good at that. ~wry laugh~ I have been compared to, of all things, water. Just when you think you have a grip on it, it slips through your hands. I disagree, but hey--I am not responsible for another's perception or point of view..only my own.

I have also had "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan stuck in my darn head all day--now, i love the song, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't have good connotations for me, most of the time. Especially given my mood swings of late. However, that said--Better than it was yesterday though. Nothing i did could get "Moondance" (Michael Buble) out of my head--as if that weren't bad enough, it was just the one line of the chorus. i LOVE that song--but--i really REALLY don't want to hear it again, anytime soon.

I also noticed my ankles are swelling up again. ~sigh~ That doesn't usually bode well for me--it's a precursor to a frigging flare, so i am also watching everything with an eagle eye. I still haven't quite gotten over the last one and i am really not looking forward to dealing with it--not again. Salt is out of my diet for the foreseeable future as i pray its just retention ~deliberately ignores the fact that it's the wrong time of the month for that to happen~ Hope springs eternal. But--it may also explain the sudden onser of really nasty insomnia and the carb cravings that are driving me batshit.

Have you ever been in so much pain that you actually pray to die? I fervently hope you never experience that. If you have, then you have my deepest sympathy and understanding. Keep on, keeping on. Now, before any worried looks come my way--chill out. what i may pray for and what i actually do are two totally different things. Believe me, having tried that three times and i am still alive and kicking--apparently He has some plan for me. I just have to wait and see what it is. Sometimes God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers. Garth is right about that. But--sometimes--just sometimes--nevermnd. I refuse to get any more maudlin than i already am. I am determined to make myself feel better. I see hand and footholds and i am not adverse to cheating and using elbows and knees, either to crawl outta the mire. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have nothing to feel sorry for--trust me, I am mobile, upright and moving under my own power. There are FAR worse things out there--i have met many of them and lived to stuff the tale in a deep trunk in the dark room in the back of my mind.

It's friday--another week ended and dammit, it's gonna be a GOOD weekend. I am determined, have a stubborn streak a mile wide and will not accept anything less from myself. Taking punkin-butt to his football game tonight, so I will have some relative quiet for a few hours, at least. Then tomorrow i need to hem his uniform pants for ROTC, put a button back on his shirt and make sure everything is ready for him. Least he's bulked up a bit since the last time i saw him in uniform ~chuckles~ and his posture is better as he gets used to his height.

Anyway--scattered thoughts--yep, they're all over the doggone place, aren't they? I think i'm gonna end this now. I have spewed enough.

A 'bientot!

-Miki

It's a new day

It's thursday--a good day. I woke up this morning after sleeping fitfully--gotta love insomnia, right? toss, turn, doze, wake up, rub away the foot cramp, doze, wake up again--joy joy ~L~ --only to discover I had a meeting first thing. ~grumble~ Thank heaven for telecommuting and all I really had to do was sit in and listen, then occasionally speak a few words so they knew I was actually there. Borrrrrrrrring!! And,on only ONE cup of coffee?? who do they think they're kidding? people know my brain doesn't kick into gear until at LEAST cup number two--before that I am not fit for polite conversation. ~wry grin~ Crabby in the mornin'? Whatever gave you *that* idea??

So, now why am I in a good mood, despite a crappy night? Search me ~shrug~ I like to think i am perenially cheerful. It's better than the alternative and well---I just loathe self-pity--so when I find myself dropping into that mire, i start looking for hand and footholds to climb back out. Usually I succeed. Life is too short--so don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff, I have heard. (though what could be wrong with petting sweaty stuff?? Some of it is pretty awesome ~impgrin~ though--when taken to extreme--okay, I get the point)

I am slowly recovering from another bout of porphyria--I am sick and damned tired of being sick and tired, yanno? Tired of the headaches and the foot cramps that make me want to scream tired of being crabby because I'm hurting and extra-sensitive to sunlight and the jerks, twitches and dull aches from damaged nerves. Yes, a lot of it I *do* control--I control when I eat and what I eat and forgetting to do so is no one's fault but my own and, I know the consequences of doing such. I guess that's why it's called "forgetting"? I do control what I put on and into my body. I check labels, read ingredient lists, check my list of known "bad" medications for updates PRIOR to even filling prescriptions, i can attempt to control the stress levels in my life ~points up~ try not to take things too seriously...but there are still things I can't control. Like having this doggone thing in the first darn place. ~sigh~

Bah, I said I didn't want to turn this into Miki's whining spot--so, i am gonna drop that topic, right there. Again--something *I* can control ~smirk~

Anyway, i LOVE three day weekends!!! But man oh MAN do we pay for them in the long run! ~chuckle~ this week has been hectic to say the least! Today was our first "slow day" and that means I didn't have back-to-back calls all day long! ~heh~ i actually had my personal puter up and was playing "Peggle" and Solitaire between calls until 5:30, when the vast majority of people have gone home, or logged off, for the other W@H folks on my team and it went suddenly back to back again. ~chuckles~ I have the dubious distinction of *always* having the last call in the queue--every day I am working, with VERY few exceptions. It's a standing joke. "Is the queue clear?!?! Not yet, Miki isn't on a call!! give it another minute!" (of course, i can't go by Miki at work ~grumble~ I have to use my "given, legal" name--which I positively loathe and have pondered changing more than once) Still, I love my job and face just about every day with a smile. I am that person everyone loves to hate--the one whose always cheerful and smiling, with a kind word for everyone. Even on my bad days, no one at work knows it. They think I'm weird. Hell, they could be right!!

Ohhhh, I know!! I forgot to mention I moved this spring!! I move a whopping 15 miles from Temple Terrace and out into the wilds of Seffner! However, I have a lovely duplex with AC that works when *I* want it to and a TUB!!! ~happy Snoopy dance~ I was so sick of showers!! I so miss hanging my "do not disturb" sign on the door and just saying "Calgon, take me away!!" with a good book and a nice, hot soak. Best of all..NO MORE TRAILER PARK!!! No more drunken idiots coming between the places, no more drugs being smuggled around (and dropped on my porch) No more BRENDA, the ~cough~ manager whom I wish would get run over by a bus--and the semi-truck right behind it. I tell you, if ever there was a woman more evil, I have yet to meet her. And, irony or ironies--I found out she (finally) got fired last month. She was finally CAUGHT pocketing the huge fees she charged for everything from pool passes for guests, to keycards to the gate, to the ridiculous "credit checks" fees and for the harassment of the tennants who were too afraid of her to say anything--at least where there was a chance of her hearing about it. A place to live is still a place to live and folks have been evicted for lesser reasons on trumped up, made up charges. Frankly, I hope they nail her to the wall. Unkind? Oh, on that i will agree. I tried time and again turning the other cheek--ony to have it slapped, too. Stick a fork in me--I'm done.

So, my new place--well, it's actually not a lot bigger, just better laid out ad ~gasp shock~ I have my OWN room!! Who'd a thunk? I painted it a lovely shade of green (ariel's song) and white trim. such a soothing room, along with the earth tones for bed and bedding. ~heh~ the whole place is earth tones--I tell ya, I don't like leaving it. Mike's room, though--is dark blue ~eye roll~ he wouldn't let me change the paint the landlords used. whatever--it's his personal space. I can always close the door. I have ceramic tile throughout YAY!!!! no more carpet!! I have a couple throw rugs down, though--we moved in on a weekend--it rained ..I happened to be outside (on my COVERED, SCREENED PORCH!!) smoking and heard "Hey MOOOOOOOOOOM!!! I need a hand" so i dropped my smoke into the ashtray and jumped up, stepped on the wet outdoor carpet and hit the ceramic tile--and promptly skated the entire width of the kitchen and into the living room where i bashed into my couch, throwing out both knees and my back. Now, looking at it from hindsight, it HAD to be hysterical--watchng mom shimmy and jerk, slip and slide and contort herself until finally coming against an object big enough to stop her and collapsing onto the floor. At the time, it just hurt....and the kids...ALL 6 of them howling in laughter and trying to gasp out "are you all right" did NOT help! (okay, some of them are of age, still--they're kids to me) so, I was dependent on my cane for mobility for a few weeks after..All in all--it's worth it. and i can clean house quickly--run the dust mop around, then the swiffer boom--DONE! Takes 20 minutes to do what used to take HOURS, when you consider carpet cleaning. I let Pat take that with him. ~nods~

~sighs~ Pat--I miss him--more, I miss my babygirl. I let Stephie go with Pat to Nashville. Better opportunities, education and well--I didn't like where we were living and worried about the influence on miss mouse--especially with the way she's...errr...let's say "maturing". I worry about her and had actually hoped she'd stay with her daddy when she went home this summer. I should have known better. John does nothing if it doesn't benefit him. I don't like the way Pat's been drinking and, while he never lets his temper loose on the kids--well--old fears die hard. I want her back here, but--and here's the rub--Stephanie HATES Florida with a fiery purple passion. she didn't like it when we got here--gave it a try and never could get to the point where she liked it. More than I want her with me, I want her happy and healthy and she was neither the entire time she was here. She is seeming to thrive in TN, though. She likes her school, God help me, she started high school this year and she's being intellectually challenged again, which she wasn't here. Still--i am having trouble with my brother. Trish--well--I don't know what's going on with her. I truly don't. She's good for Pat, I'll give her that and well--she's good with Stephie and the little ones, but--i don't know--there's just something I can't quite put my finger on. Like she's two faced. Says one thing to you and then something else to another person. I won't be turning my back to her anytime soon. i don't wanna find a blade in it. Maybe--just maybe, it's sour grapes that they have my baby. I miss her like breath. And thank GOD for phones and email or I'd go bonkers. ~chuckle~

Anyway, this is beginning to look like a book again--I think i better quit while I'm ahead and head off into playtime before I get maudlin.

Nannite!

-Miki

Good Grief!

Teach me not to log into my blog for two years!! I had to create a Google account! Okay, not happy, but I can do that---an hour later, many soft curses and finally saying I GIVE UP!! then gong to google and doing it from there--BINGO! ~growls~ I do not like being told I can't do somethng. My automatic response is "watch me"

Anyway, seems it's been forever since i have been here---gee, Miki, ya THINK?! gah--so many changes--however, a two year hiatus from the 'net did give me a new perspsective, for the most part. I let the old stuff slough off, found me again--or at least I think it did. If one can ever really "lose" themself--perhaps their way, their direction, stumble off the path--whatever. ~shrug~

I am back for mainly two reasons. I missed friends that I really don't get to talk to much any other way--and frankly--I was bored. TV palls real fast--and, while I am an avid bibliophile--my own company was also getting old and you can only read and re-read so many times before you know the entire book practically verbatim. I can look at the cover on the vast majority of my books and recite a book report..~lol~ For those of you that know me, you're laughing right now--for those that don't know me, or not well, you're looking at this with a slightly puzzled expression, since you don't know I read about a book and a half a day. And then I also work AND come online to play around.

I have come back, and attempted to go back to Gor--my old stomping grounds. Not much has changed, really--a lot of the same old folks, some "n00bs" and a few people I really didn't want to run into again, anyway. So, I hang out at Alterrealm and the forums--yeah, yeah, I know--big change there ~eye roll~ Still, ariel is alive and kicking along the AR boards--maybe not as much as she once did, but ~shrug~ I actually belong to a home there White Water--but--Poor As--She, who took pity on the poor returning slave and collared her--now rarely even sees her. I don't know. I guess the draw just isn't what it once was. I find myself no longer wanting to dip my toes into those murky depths again. I do still crave the joy i once found there, unfortunately, it has deserted me. maybe someday...

I also tried to go back to Webmaze--real good, Buddha---your once shining jewel of the chatrealm has now gone stright into the toilet. I miss my home there. The Dungeon was once one of your busiest rooms, had the most ACTIVE (and PAYING) members--now the place is a ghost town. I tired--i did--I sat in there for hours on end--all by myself and playing around--cleaned the cobwebs up and polished the stone floors, amour-alled the Dom's chairs ~snickers~ me, being me, you KNOW I had to do that ~impgrin~ I usre hope MHN didn't slide off and skate across the room like Crommie did the last time arlene and i "cleaned" the D...especially as He seems to be the ONLY inhabitant--and one i really don't much care for. Thus, no draw there.

I found myself a new place--ironically, thanks to a post on the AR boards about "and you think WE have gamers" or somesuch ~eyeroll~ I have a Second Life and I am truly enjoying myself---something i have not done in years! So, for those of you complaining about the "air typing" and the "attack of the horny furries" you can KMA--stay where you're at--I haven't found that trouble--you CAN turn off the air typing and the furries and anyone else are no more amorous than the HNGs you deal with all throughout HTML chat, parachat, Yahoo, AOL and what have you. if you can deal with it here, you can deal with it there. You have an easy escape, anyway..it's called "TP" ~thumbs up~ You don't have to deal with it.

I have met some truly wonderful people--some moreso than others. I am blessed to call a few "friend". I have a great group I hang around with in the evenings, One I can spend an entire evening with in IM and not even notice the passing of time ~wry glance, cuz I think you know who you are~ and for those of you with dirty minds--stop right there--back the train up--that's a gutter trip you'll have to take alone. I said talk and I meant precisely that. ~smiles~ For some reason, he likes to spend time with me, though I know I have GOT to try his patience to a fine line, some days. Thank Heavens he has a great sense of humor! I don't let him get away with much ~wicked lil grin~ y'all know better than that-if it CAN be misconstrued or have an unintentional double entendre--trust me, I WILL be the one that gets it...and lets' it be known. I don't take many gutter trips by myself. ~L~

Anyway, I think I have this book quite long enough for one night. maybe I'll be back tomorrow---maybe in a few days. I find I have really missed this silly thing, and well---I think--it's going to be a good purge for the "internal coversations" I have with myself. I had a few good ones, today at work--did I mention it wasn't as busy today? ~offers fevent prayers of gratitutde to the call center gods~

Ok and before I dart off on a tangent. I am hitting "save"

Hasta Manana!

-Mik