Here we go round the Mulberry Bush....

Seems so strange to be writing here after all this time. ~heh~ Another year gone by and here I am. Good things, not-so-good things and yet, here I am. Struggling through this thing we call life.
Where to start? Where to end? Scattered thoughts dancing through my head once more, leading me back here, to the one place it seems I am able to find the words to express myself. The one place that I have nothing and no one save myself to hold accountable. To let the thoughts drift as they may without rhyme or reason, without explanation.

Let's see. Last fall, my son Michael graduated from boot camp. My son, the Marine! Oooh RAH! I am so damned proud of him, I simply have no words. I know what the struggle was like, how terribly difficult it was and yet he prevailed. He made it through and earned his EGA. He's now gone through his school and, thankfully (let me say yet another soft and fervent prayer of thanks to the Higher Power) he is now stationed in Japan and appears to be happy there.

My eldest child, Dani, is back home in Albuquerque. God alone knows what she's doing and He isn't talking. She's surviving, apparently. She doesn't call to talk, really. But she knows I am here if she needs me and that''s usually about the time I get a "hey mama" ~shrug~ A bit sad, yes. I miss her. I apparently am not the best of parents, but for what it may be worth, I love that kid more than life itself. I just have a crappy way of showing it. I'm sorry, baby, for whatever it was that I either did or didn't do, but if you know nothing else, know that I did the best I could.

My baby, Stephie, is the light and love of my life. A true little attitude walking, but she's strong, that girl. Takes life by the horns and never lets them see her cry. I worry a lot about her. She is a lot like I was, but, thankfully, without the same ghosts and demons I have. I'm sure she has her own. Ahhh, teenage angst. May that be the majority of her troubles and let them pass through the annals of time and become memories that make her smile in retrospect. You're only 16, darling. Don't let life grab you too soon. Enjoy what time you have left as a kid to the fullest.

I have a special someone, the one person that I can bare my heart to, talk to about any and everything. He's having a rough patch now, too. Even knowing that no one reads this blog, I always hesitate to name names. He knows who he is, those close to us know who he is. For me, that is enough. Think what you will of our relationship. It's ours and you are not part of our dynamic. We know precisely the boundaries and limitations we have to abide by and we muddle through quite well, for the most part.

Still, here I am again, in this stupid blog. Why does it seem that the one thing I did NOT want to turn this into, is exactly what it has become? The place I come when I am maudlin, feeling alone and lonely, even when surrounded by people? Yeah, Miki's having a down time. I guess I should feel relieved by the fact that they come so infrequently and usually always around the time I am heading into a truly nasty flare. I am finding that I am losing interest in things I enjoy again, losing sleep again, forgetting to eat or eating too much. ~shrug~ Just another day in the life. The demons haunting my mind won't shut up again, they nag and they whisper, always letting me know they are there so I dare not let down my guard. Kick the trunk, wrap the chains tighter and hope for better tomorrow.

I'd talk to my special someone, but, ~points above~ He's having issues of his own right now, and, although I know he would want me to bring them to him, I simply can't make myself add to his load. I know he loves me. I know he is always here for me. Without doubt or hesitation, I know this as fact. I can pick up the phone right this second and he would be there. To listen, to hold me, to give me a swift kick in the ass. Just to let me know that he cares. simple, right?

I wish

When I have down periods, they go dangerously down. I withdraw and I shut people out. I stop talking, unless I know I can be the cheerful, bubbly and loving person I usually am. This is what is expected of me, therefore that is what people get. Even those that don't buy my party line of "I'm just tired" many times accept it and don't press. Sometimes....this is a good thing. Other times, call me contradictory, I want them to press, I want them to ask how I am *really* doing. Trouble is no one, save me, knows the difference.

Now before anyone gets too awfully worried, please sit back, pop a beer or whatever else you're drinking,and relax. I am not, let me repeat, I am NOT suicidal. Just depressed. I might think about the world without me in it, but I still have a child at home to raise and well, frankly, since I am still breathing over 40 years, now, apparently there's a plan for me. Sadistic motherfucker. I wish I knew what that plan was, so I could get it done. So, ideations aside, I'm fine. Just going through a little down time. This too, shall pass.

Now, if only I could convince the freakign neighbors that the fourth of July is now over and they can STOP lighting their GD fireworks, life might be a bit easier. Got to love it, right?

later, gator

-Miki

A new year, a new tale and where has the time GONE?!

Holy Cow!! How on earth did so long pass between posts? It's MAY already! I tell you, it's been a whirlwind around here, between kids and work and oh heck--I've been sick, too. ~shrug~ Just another day in the life, I suppose.
Lots has happened since the last post. Some things I refuse to write about--they hurt and will only make me utterly furious once more and quite frankly, I don't need that.
Best thing that happened came in November! MY BABY IS HOME!!!! Stephie showed up on a satuday morning after a phone call the night before. (Thanks, brothermine for the notice) Still, life is good. God help me, another teenager in my home and this one's FEMALE! I had forgotten just how....girly..she is. Bathroom use is now by appointment only ~eye roll~ because she has taken it over. As much as she drives me crazy--I am STILL just happy dancing all over the place to have her HERE--able to come curl up in my lap and cuddle for no reason or to laugh with me, talk about stuff etc. I will somehow manage to clean up her mouth--it's too pretty for those kinda words. She's 15 and thinks she's goin on 30.
Thanksgiving was chaotic--less than 2 weeks after miss mouse came home--cook, cook, freeze, rest..pretend I'm not sick or tired--get up and continue, anyway. Christmas was quiet--blessedly quiet--Well, except that Bud had just finally gotten back into his home--after a week in hotels due to the ice storms that rages through New England. I was ready to choke the catlivingshit out of his electric company, I tell you what! I would have had to take a number and join the queue--but I would have fought my way forward. You ain't THAT big, darlin and while I am littler than you are--I'm STILL meaner!
Anyway..then came the new year and miss mouse's birthday, then Bud's ~grins~ I still owe you for that, don't I, hon? Yeah, yeah--I know--payback's a bitch. ~soft laugh~ Heartbeat or less, sweetheart---heartbeat or less.

Anyway..really, so much has gone on and trying to remember it all--is boggling! OH! My little "Marine in training"? ~whimpers~ will REALLY be a Marine in training! He turned 18 in October, joined DEP and will be heading to the Island in July after graduation. I am equal parts proud as hell--and scared to death! What could I say? No? Right. He's wanted to be a "Marine like mom" since he was just a bit of a thing and tries to "comfort" me telling me he's "Guaranteed" his MOS. ~soft laugh~ "So was I, my son", I told him--then I retook the ASVAB and they decided my skills could be better utilized in another area. Not that I am complaining, mind. Still--he's bright and I pray for anything but 0311. And for those out there reading..That's the mom in me talking. I know plenty of grunts and have no problem at all with them--I simply don't want that for my only son. I know what this world is like, at the moment and hope for a better tomorrow. Semper Fi, devil dogs.
Okay..and, on that note, I shall stop this. I love my son, am proud as hell of him, but--deep inside, his mommy is screaming and looking frantically for her apron strings and knowing she's not going to find them. I raised him tougher than that, thank God.

Okay and now, I have run into a blank--this is really the one thing I hate about blogging--I never know when to quit or what to say. ~grins over at someone special~ or how to say it, ya? why is it that someone that loves words as much as I do, am totally unable to express it without sounding trite or cliche'd? je' ne comprends pas. I adore you, you know. Love you beyond words. See what you've made of me? Finagled that niche and took the whole darn thing! I heart sprinkles you.

-Miki

Meandering thoughts

Well, here it is, yet another thursday. I just realized I hadn't updated since october 1st, so I figured I had best get my butt in gear and at least see what's been going on.
Life moves slowly forward, another path to follow, more twists and turns to navigate. I have made a new friend ~shock gasp~ Yeah, i know. ~chuckles and looks up with a wry grin~ You're behind this, I *know* you are and don't bother denying it, I ain't gonna buy it, Darlin'! All I can say--is...thank you--big man. More than you know. Even when you're gone, you're still lookin' out for me. Putz ~chuckle~

Strange how people who may know of the other, yet not really *know* each other can come together, sit and talk and discover just how much they really have in common. Likes, dislikes, dreams, and yes..even ghosts and demons. Sharing late night stupids together when neither can sleep for whatever reason--usually because one or both of us are hurting and just being stubborn. ~hides the dictionary with the his and hers pictures listed~ Or, when the mind will NOT shut the hell up or the demons are rattling the chains or have broken free and are rioting through thought processes like to drive you mad. Why do I smile when i think of you? You're finding your own niche. I'm finding I really don't mind that. It really is a good thing we didn't know each other as kids! ~soft laugh~ We'd have "double dog dared" each other to death--or we'd be the toughest little SOBs on the planet! But--we would have had a great time doing it!

~silly grin~ Was "chasing" Mike through the house the other day--i wanted a hug, dangit! So he made me work for it--It was GREAT! I love to see my son laughing and joking around, especially when he lets me catch him (he knows mom doesn't move as easily as he does, yanno) and then just wrap my arms around him and eskimo kisses before he squirms free. Little brat has gotten so tall! I have to look up to do that now. ~smiles~ i remember when i could just nab him and scoop him into the air and swing him around and around, laughing until we got dizzy and fell down in a pile with Dani and Steph. TICKLE FEST!! Now I am the tickle target ~frumps~ NOT FAIR! God help me, he's 18 now, not my little boy at all. I still get in a few noogies here and there ~chuckle~ He buzzed his hair again--heaven help my little Marine in training. You think you're ready, son--but let me assure you--you ain't seen nothing yet, baby.

Work ~meh~ well..some things don't change..and although i LOVE the new client software--glitches are still there and the main system STILL doesn't like me. Kicks me off regularly ~mumbles something foul under my breath~ I think i hold the record for most profile resets in that system throughout UHC. Only thing i hate is it really screws with my stats and, as I work from home--I'd like to STAY HERE! Not go back to the office because of too much downtime, my fault or not. Still--everything esle is in the green (thank heaven) and I still have the best UES scores, so that's huge brownie points in my favor. Good thing i love my job, right?

wow...did I make it through an entire entry without darting off on different tangents?? how the heck did THAT happen? I managed to stay on topic--least what there was of it. ~re-reads~ nevermind...~laughing~ As usual Im all over the darn map--i am NOT the navigator! Just the wanderer.

a'Bientot!

Mik

How do you say goodbye?

I have a friend. His name was Rick, but most knew him as Grunt. He was one of the nicest, truly caring people I have ever met. I know, I know--you hear that all the time, right? But it's true in this case. Was he perfect? Oh HELL no! Are any of us? He's a "reformed rake" as his significant other liked to call him. I would just laugh. That man could charm the bloody birds from the trees if he set his mind to it. And apparently he did that a lot before i met him ~chuckle~

Hard to believe it when i stop and think--just since June? Was it really that short a timeframe? This friend came to mean so much to me--he was, quite honestly, my best friend. He understood me, my ghosts, my demons, my pain. He took the time to get to know me. ME, not Tempest, but Miki, the person behind the avatar. He knew the right questions to ask, when to gently push for the answer--and, when to back off from what i wasn't ready to answer, or was unable to find the words to do so. He held me when i needed to cry--and never once used that against me--not like so many people in my life. He was probably the only person i felt safe handing a weapon like that to. Wait--maybe one other.

I think--a lot of our friendship was the simple fact that we understood each other. the ghosts and demons that rode us, each in their own way. Both sick and fighting not to admit it or give into it. He could make me laugh when i didn't thank anything could. I did the same for him. Tease and taunt and joke until we were either laughing--or, just needed to be held until the demon du jour finally was beaten into submission and crammed back into the trunk in the dark corners of the mind. How the flaming, fiery Hell did i come to trust him so much in such a short time? How the hell did he weasel his way under my skin, into my heart and set a niche for himself in the span of a few short months? Ask around--that is just SO not me. Rick---was special.

I kinda chuckle when his S.O. told me that he told her that, if not for her, he would have chased me to the ends of SL. I cannot believe he told her that! He told me that and i laughed at him. right out loud, i laughed at him. I told him, save for her, i MIGHT have let him catch me. Gee, ya think she's special too? She is. I am truly blessed to have her as a friend, also. She was the first person he introduced me to. ~grin~ Well, outside of the club where we met, anyway. Then i was wallowing in n00b-dom and trying to figure out how things worked. But, when he introduced me to Pan, i just--liked her. She's what i call real people. I adore her to bits.

I can remember Grunt and i just dancing and laughing--talking in IM--just to forget the crap of everyday life, share family and kid stories--he was SO big on family. His was his entire world. He loved his sons so very much. I remember when my other friend, Jarhead , built me a house. He's a story for another time, but a wonderful friend and one i cherish. anyway, before i dodge off on that tangent--the house that Jar built--Dahlea and i were there--oh, sometime after O-stupid thirty in the morning--neither of us able to sleep, so just hanging out while i showed her around my new digs and Grunt came inworld. So of course, i sent a TP--not like him to be on that late, as a rule and i was worried. Besides, he had yet to see my new place, either. Well, D and i were on voice--now, keep in mind that i had JUST serenaded Jarhead for three hours while watching him build other stuff, because i was unaware that i had an open mic and HE COULD HEAR ME!! ~faints in horror~ anyway--here i am relating this tale of woe to Dah and laughing in embarrassment and just chit chatting like women do and Grunt is playing with the menus in my bedroom. ~chuckle~ and taunting me because i complained that i had it set to "sleep" and he was doing the "uh huh suuuureeeeee" thing. Errm..i live A-L-O-N-E!!! what the hell else would i have the bed set at? so D and i are laughing and, out of the blue clear sky comes this EVIL, echoing laugh! Startled the crap outta me! Guess who else is on voice? Anyway, it just went from there--we laughed so hard, he woke up his wife. ~giggle~ guess who slept on the couch that night? he had us in stitches laughing and showing us the Tinies he had gotten for Eliisse. The winged unicorn and the baby dragon and the tiger--then, he morphed into tigger and was BOINGing all over my bedroom.

I will miss that. I will miss him teasing and flirting and taunting me, knowing because of it, that one or the other of us is not having a good eveing--like the night he treed me in Vets chat..i laughed so hard--and when you hurt--well--laughing hurts, too..but it makes the icky hurt that much better. he knew i wasn't feeling well, so he was teasing me --asked if i had any candy and i said i had chocolate!! he's a confirmed chocoholic, so i stashed it--~giggle` he then had ideas about just WHERE i could stash it--like down my shirt. I said it would melt there...then quickly did a nvm post--see *i* remembered where we were!! then he started going after said chocolate and of course i had to duck and run, right? grabbed a tree branch and swung up, then monkeyed to the top of the tree and giggled down at him and said something like there are advantages to being little---big man. He's huge--something like 7'4, i think it was? (remember this is SL--RL he was 6'2") so he's circling the tree and baying at the moon in lonlieness or something..It was really funny. I laughed and dragged him outta Vet chat at that point--and listened to him groan and thunk his head on his desk because he forgot we weren't in personal IM!! I know what people thought. I have had one or two alts come in and call me nasty things about how i am fucking him behind Pan's back, etc. I wasn't--we knew where the line was drawn--now, we could push, shove, twist and bend that damned line like a pretzel---but we never once crossed it. further, if you want to accuse me of something, grow a set of balls, magically sprout a penis and become a man and face me as yourself. If you have the balls to accuse, have the freaking conviction and accountability to tell me as yourself, you freaking yellow backed cowards! I have nothing to hide, nor be ashamed of. I have standards and rules of my own--and, tantamount amongst them is I DO NOT POACH!

Anyway, i guess the long and short of this novella i seem to have written--Rick died last week. Suddenly out of the blue, had a heart attack mere hours after last danced together, spoke with each other and gave each other chocolates ~chuckles through a film of tears~ How the hell do you say goodbye to someone like that? to your best pal? your confidante? your friend? I guess there is no real easy answer. I guess, it would be...slowly and in stages? I want to believe it's someone's idea of a nasty joke and when he gets back, he's gonna be looking for an ass to kick. But, in the heart of me--i know it's not and yet another path in the twisted trail of my world has come to an end. But ahhh--the road sure was fun and i will look back on it--and smile through the tears.

I miss you, Darlin'

-Miki

It's been a strange week

It's been a really strange week. Not strange in the usual way--if there *is* a usual way, but strange for me. I have been up and down, moodwise--moody and depressed, feeling unloved--yeah, stupid stuff, i agree--but then again--i have also been really upbeat and cheerful--smiling all the time. as i said--strange week. Doesn't make sense, even as i write that.
What kills me--my son noticed. Asked me "what's wrong, mom? you're sad" and I didn't have an answer for him, really. I just smiled my biggest smile and hugged him and told him "i don't know where you got that idea from, son. I'm fine, punkin-butt" That worked--it always does. "Punkin-butt" is the fix all-cure all. From anger, to disappointment to whatever else. I call him that when alls forgiven, i am not angry or whatever--my pet name for my beloved son. He just hugged me back and went back to his music and the X-box, content that alls well in his world again and mom's just fine. ~chuckles~ He hates that moniker--but it's better than "Bubba-butt" which he knows i use when i have a bone to pick with him or am dripping sarcasm. Strange the things we call our children, ya know? He's nearly 18, now and not really a child.

Anyway, i was saying the week has been strange, wasn't i? Yes. the systems at work continue to be up and down. They were down again, today for about an hour and a half, then adding insult to that injury, I also had a meeting at which i had to do a "presentation" on "Why we need to delete cookies and dump temp files" yeah..dump your cache, people--it makes the computer run better. Well NO KIDDING?! It amazes me how many people don't realize that, also spyware scans and defrags. Good Lord. ~sigh~ Laurie knows i hate presenting anything, but she always chooses me for these, just because i did tech support years ago. Hello!! that was for A-O-Hell where 99% of users are idiots and the other 1% we rarely hear from because they KNOW what they're doing--and yet are still strange enough to continue using them. ~shrug~ I have no leg to stand on. I still have an AOL account, myself. Sue me, i like their email system and well.they are good for some things, just please don't ask me what they are--i wouldn't be able to answer offhand without deep thought.

Anyway, i am in a wonderful mood, can't ya tell? Frustrated and edgy--i feel like there's a storm coming and i am not sure from which direction. I have my back to the wall again and am glancing all over the place. I hate that feeling--but learned a LONG time ago to listen to it. It has saved my life more than once, this internal radar of mine. Tells me when to run, when to hide--and when to stand my ground and fight. This feels like a run and hide. Dammit all anyway. I am far too good at that. ~wry laugh~ I have been compared to, of all things, water. Just when you think you have a grip on it, it slips through your hands. I disagree, but hey--I am not responsible for another's perception or point of view..only my own.

I have also had "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan stuck in my darn head all day--now, i love the song, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't have good connotations for me, most of the time. Especially given my mood swings of late. However, that said--Better than it was yesterday though. Nothing i did could get "Moondance" (Michael Buble) out of my head--as if that weren't bad enough, it was just the one line of the chorus. i LOVE that song--but--i really REALLY don't want to hear it again, anytime soon.

I also noticed my ankles are swelling up again. ~sigh~ That doesn't usually bode well for me--it's a precursor to a frigging flare, so i am also watching everything with an eagle eye. I still haven't quite gotten over the last one and i am really not looking forward to dealing with it--not again. Salt is out of my diet for the foreseeable future as i pray its just retention ~deliberately ignores the fact that it's the wrong time of the month for that to happen~ Hope springs eternal. But--it may also explain the sudden onser of really nasty insomnia and the carb cravings that are driving me batshit.

Have you ever been in so much pain that you actually pray to die? I fervently hope you never experience that. If you have, then you have my deepest sympathy and understanding. Keep on, keeping on. Now, before any worried looks come my way--chill out. what i may pray for and what i actually do are two totally different things. Believe me, having tried that three times and i am still alive and kicking--apparently He has some plan for me. I just have to wait and see what it is. Sometimes God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers. Garth is right about that. But--sometimes--just sometimes--nevermnd. I refuse to get any more maudlin than i already am. I am determined to make myself feel better. I see hand and footholds and i am not adverse to cheating and using elbows and knees, either to crawl outta the mire. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have nothing to feel sorry for--trust me, I am mobile, upright and moving under my own power. There are FAR worse things out there--i have met many of them and lived to stuff the tale in a deep trunk in the dark room in the back of my mind.

It's friday--another week ended and dammit, it's gonna be a GOOD weekend. I am determined, have a stubborn streak a mile wide and will not accept anything less from myself. Taking punkin-butt to his football game tonight, so I will have some relative quiet for a few hours, at least. Then tomorrow i need to hem his uniform pants for ROTC, put a button back on his shirt and make sure everything is ready for him. Least he's bulked up a bit since the last time i saw him in uniform ~chuckles~ and his posture is better as he gets used to his height.

Anyway--scattered thoughts--yep, they're all over the doggone place, aren't they? I think i'm gonna end this now. I have spewed enough.

A 'bientot!

-Miki

It's a new day

It's thursday--a good day. I woke up this morning after sleeping fitfully--gotta love insomnia, right? toss, turn, doze, wake up, rub away the foot cramp, doze, wake up again--joy joy ~L~ --only to discover I had a meeting first thing. ~grumble~ Thank heaven for telecommuting and all I really had to do was sit in and listen, then occasionally speak a few words so they knew I was actually there. Borrrrrrrrring!! And,on only ONE cup of coffee?? who do they think they're kidding? people know my brain doesn't kick into gear until at LEAST cup number two--before that I am not fit for polite conversation. ~wry grin~ Crabby in the mornin'? Whatever gave you *that* idea??

So, now why am I in a good mood, despite a crappy night? Search me ~shrug~ I like to think i am perenially cheerful. It's better than the alternative and well---I just loathe self-pity--so when I find myself dropping into that mire, i start looking for hand and footholds to climb back out. Usually I succeed. Life is too short--so don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff, I have heard. (though what could be wrong with petting sweaty stuff?? Some of it is pretty awesome ~impgrin~ though--when taken to extreme--okay, I get the point)

I am slowly recovering from another bout of porphyria--I am sick and damned tired of being sick and tired, yanno? Tired of the headaches and the foot cramps that make me want to scream tired of being crabby because I'm hurting and extra-sensitive to sunlight and the jerks, twitches and dull aches from damaged nerves. Yes, a lot of it I *do* control--I control when I eat and what I eat and forgetting to do so is no one's fault but my own and, I know the consequences of doing such. I guess that's why it's called "forgetting"? I do control what I put on and into my body. I check labels, read ingredient lists, check my list of known "bad" medications for updates PRIOR to even filling prescriptions, i can attempt to control the stress levels in my life ~points up~ try not to take things too seriously...but there are still things I can't control. Like having this doggone thing in the first darn place. ~sigh~

Bah, I said I didn't want to turn this into Miki's whining spot--so, i am gonna drop that topic, right there. Again--something *I* can control ~smirk~

Anyway, i LOVE three day weekends!!! But man oh MAN do we pay for them in the long run! ~chuckle~ this week has been hectic to say the least! Today was our first "slow day" and that means I didn't have back-to-back calls all day long! ~heh~ i actually had my personal puter up and was playing "Peggle" and Solitaire between calls until 5:30, when the vast majority of people have gone home, or logged off, for the other W@H folks on my team and it went suddenly back to back again. ~chuckles~ I have the dubious distinction of *always* having the last call in the queue--every day I am working, with VERY few exceptions. It's a standing joke. "Is the queue clear?!?! Not yet, Miki isn't on a call!! give it another minute!" (of course, i can't go by Miki at work ~grumble~ I have to use my "given, legal" name--which I positively loathe and have pondered changing more than once) Still, I love my job and face just about every day with a smile. I am that person everyone loves to hate--the one whose always cheerful and smiling, with a kind word for everyone. Even on my bad days, no one at work knows it. They think I'm weird. Hell, they could be right!!

Ohhhh, I know!! I forgot to mention I moved this spring!! I move a whopping 15 miles from Temple Terrace and out into the wilds of Seffner! However, I have a lovely duplex with AC that works when *I* want it to and a TUB!!! ~happy Snoopy dance~ I was so sick of showers!! I so miss hanging my "do not disturb" sign on the door and just saying "Calgon, take me away!!" with a good book and a nice, hot soak. Best of all..NO MORE TRAILER PARK!!! No more drunken idiots coming between the places, no more drugs being smuggled around (and dropped on my porch) No more BRENDA, the ~cough~ manager whom I wish would get run over by a bus--and the semi-truck right behind it. I tell you, if ever there was a woman more evil, I have yet to meet her. And, irony or ironies--I found out she (finally) got fired last month. She was finally CAUGHT pocketing the huge fees she charged for everything from pool passes for guests, to keycards to the gate, to the ridiculous "credit checks" fees and for the harassment of the tennants who were too afraid of her to say anything--at least where there was a chance of her hearing about it. A place to live is still a place to live and folks have been evicted for lesser reasons on trumped up, made up charges. Frankly, I hope they nail her to the wall. Unkind? Oh, on that i will agree. I tried time and again turning the other cheek--ony to have it slapped, too. Stick a fork in me--I'm done.

So, my new place--well, it's actually not a lot bigger, just better laid out ad ~gasp shock~ I have my OWN room!! Who'd a thunk? I painted it a lovely shade of green (ariel's song) and white trim. such a soothing room, along with the earth tones for bed and bedding. ~heh~ the whole place is earth tones--I tell ya, I don't like leaving it. Mike's room, though--is dark blue ~eye roll~ he wouldn't let me change the paint the landlords used. whatever--it's his personal space. I can always close the door. I have ceramic tile throughout YAY!!!! no more carpet!! I have a couple throw rugs down, though--we moved in on a weekend--it rained ..I happened to be outside (on my COVERED, SCREENED PORCH!!) smoking and heard "Hey MOOOOOOOOOOM!!! I need a hand" so i dropped my smoke into the ashtray and jumped up, stepped on the wet outdoor carpet and hit the ceramic tile--and promptly skated the entire width of the kitchen and into the living room where i bashed into my couch, throwing out both knees and my back. Now, looking at it from hindsight, it HAD to be hysterical--watchng mom shimmy and jerk, slip and slide and contort herself until finally coming against an object big enough to stop her and collapsing onto the floor. At the time, it just hurt....and the kids...ALL 6 of them howling in laughter and trying to gasp out "are you all right" did NOT help! (okay, some of them are of age, still--they're kids to me) so, I was dependent on my cane for mobility for a few weeks after..All in all--it's worth it. and i can clean house quickly--run the dust mop around, then the swiffer boom--DONE! Takes 20 minutes to do what used to take HOURS, when you consider carpet cleaning. I let Pat take that with him. ~nods~

~sighs~ Pat--I miss him--more, I miss my babygirl. I let Stephie go with Pat to Nashville. Better opportunities, education and well--I didn't like where we were living and worried about the influence on miss mouse--especially with the way she's...errr...let's say "maturing". I worry about her and had actually hoped she'd stay with her daddy when she went home this summer. I should have known better. John does nothing if it doesn't benefit him. I don't like the way Pat's been drinking and, while he never lets his temper loose on the kids--well--old fears die hard. I want her back here, but--and here's the rub--Stephanie HATES Florida with a fiery purple passion. she didn't like it when we got here--gave it a try and never could get to the point where she liked it. More than I want her with me, I want her happy and healthy and she was neither the entire time she was here. She is seeming to thrive in TN, though. She likes her school, God help me, she started high school this year and she's being intellectually challenged again, which she wasn't here. Still--i am having trouble with my brother. Trish--well--I don't know what's going on with her. I truly don't. She's good for Pat, I'll give her that and well--she's good with Stephie and the little ones, but--i don't know--there's just something I can't quite put my finger on. Like she's two faced. Says one thing to you and then something else to another person. I won't be turning my back to her anytime soon. i don't wanna find a blade in it. Maybe--just maybe, it's sour grapes that they have my baby. I miss her like breath. And thank GOD for phones and email or I'd go bonkers. ~chuckle~

Anyway, this is beginning to look like a book again--I think i better quit while I'm ahead and head off into playtime before I get maudlin.

Nannite!

-Miki

Good Grief!

Teach me not to log into my blog for two years!! I had to create a Google account! Okay, not happy, but I can do that---an hour later, many soft curses and finally saying I GIVE UP!! then gong to google and doing it from there--BINGO! ~growls~ I do not like being told I can't do somethng. My automatic response is "watch me"

Anyway, seems it's been forever since i have been here---gee, Miki, ya THINK?! gah--so many changes--however, a two year hiatus from the 'net did give me a new perspsective, for the most part. I let the old stuff slough off, found me again--or at least I think it did. If one can ever really "lose" themself--perhaps their way, their direction, stumble off the path--whatever. ~shrug~

I am back for mainly two reasons. I missed friends that I really don't get to talk to much any other way--and frankly--I was bored. TV palls real fast--and, while I am an avid bibliophile--my own company was also getting old and you can only read and re-read so many times before you know the entire book practically verbatim. I can look at the cover on the vast majority of my books and recite a book report..~lol~ For those of you that know me, you're laughing right now--for those that don't know me, or not well, you're looking at this with a slightly puzzled expression, since you don't know I read about a book and a half a day. And then I also work AND come online to play around.

I have come back, and attempted to go back to Gor--my old stomping grounds. Not much has changed, really--a lot of the same old folks, some "n00bs" and a few people I really didn't want to run into again, anyway. So, I hang out at Alterrealm and the forums--yeah, yeah, I know--big change there ~eye roll~ Still, ariel is alive and kicking along the AR boards--maybe not as much as she once did, but ~shrug~ I actually belong to a home there White Water--but--Poor As--She, who took pity on the poor returning slave and collared her--now rarely even sees her. I don't know. I guess the draw just isn't what it once was. I find myself no longer wanting to dip my toes into those murky depths again. I do still crave the joy i once found there, unfortunately, it has deserted me. maybe someday...

I also tried to go back to Webmaze--real good, Buddha---your once shining jewel of the chatrealm has now gone stright into the toilet. I miss my home there. The Dungeon was once one of your busiest rooms, had the most ACTIVE (and PAYING) members--now the place is a ghost town. I tired--i did--I sat in there for hours on end--all by myself and playing around--cleaned the cobwebs up and polished the stone floors, amour-alled the Dom's chairs ~snickers~ me, being me, you KNOW I had to do that ~impgrin~ I usre hope MHN didn't slide off and skate across the room like Crommie did the last time arlene and i "cleaned" the D...especially as He seems to be the ONLY inhabitant--and one i really don't much care for. Thus, no draw there.

I found myself a new place--ironically, thanks to a post on the AR boards about "and you think WE have gamers" or somesuch ~eyeroll~ I have a Second Life and I am truly enjoying myself---something i have not done in years! So, for those of you complaining about the "air typing" and the "attack of the horny furries" you can KMA--stay where you're at--I haven't found that trouble--you CAN turn off the air typing and the furries and anyone else are no more amorous than the HNGs you deal with all throughout HTML chat, parachat, Yahoo, AOL and what have you. if you can deal with it here, you can deal with it there. You have an easy escape, anyway..it's called "TP" ~thumbs up~ You don't have to deal with it.

I have met some truly wonderful people--some moreso than others. I am blessed to call a few "friend". I have a great group I hang around with in the evenings, One I can spend an entire evening with in IM and not even notice the passing of time ~wry glance, cuz I think you know who you are~ and for those of you with dirty minds--stop right there--back the train up--that's a gutter trip you'll have to take alone. I said talk and I meant precisely that. ~smiles~ For some reason, he likes to spend time with me, though I know I have GOT to try his patience to a fine line, some days. Thank Heavens he has a great sense of humor! I don't let him get away with much ~wicked lil grin~ y'all know better than that-if it CAN be misconstrued or have an unintentional double entendre--trust me, I WILL be the one that gets it...and lets' it be known. I don't take many gutter trips by myself. ~L~

Anyway, I think I have this book quite long enough for one night. maybe I'll be back tomorrow---maybe in a few days. I find I have really missed this silly thing, and well---I think--it's going to be a good purge for the "internal coversations" I have with myself. I had a few good ones, today at work--did I mention it wasn't as busy today? ~offers fevent prayers of gratitutde to the call center gods~

Ok and before I dart off on a tangent. I am hitting "save"

Hasta Manana!

-Mik